I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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