If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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