dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
