I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
