i think my mom watched the whole time
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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