I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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