Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
