i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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