I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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