Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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