i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
