I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Are my feet made of real feet?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
