I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
