Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
