I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
