Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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