I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
