I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
