Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
What a dumb baby whore.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
