I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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