9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
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