piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
