and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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