it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Randomize
