On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
