Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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