Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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