I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Randomize
