Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
