I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
