i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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