We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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