We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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