I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
