did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
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