i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i used baking grease as lip gloss
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
