I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
