when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
