Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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