got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
