So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
