im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
