I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
