do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
