I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
