just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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