i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize