My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
