He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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