I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Success! We fucked roommates!
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
