Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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