i would punch a child for taco bell
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Randomize
