alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
