I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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