There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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