if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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