I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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