Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize