walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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